Popular, I wanna be Popular

A new job, a new day. Life is looking up, dreams can start being realised. I feel good, but sometimes having the feeling of good can be bad, and what u have in front of you will be bad. So i;m trying not to be too excited and am trying not to keep my hopes to high up. I mean come on I;m wokring in Sinda, all indians, not that i;m against them or anything, hey I'm indian, It's just tat it's Sinda for crying out loud. I took it because seriously, i needed a job lol, its good pay and it's contract for one year. So hey why not, take a job for one year, then after hopefully a better job comes along and i shall go for tat yea. Hehe.

I'm starting to have ideas and plans, that I'm afraid I can'[t acheieve or can't reach. I know brooding about it ain't helping unless I do something about it. But everytime I wanna start doing that something or that urge to know tat if I did that I know it would work, but there's always the emotion of fear that stops me from doing the things I wanna do. What if it dosent work out, What if this What if tat. I keep analysing the what if's and suddenly find that the project is not worth doing. It's called putting myself down and it really sux, I wish I was more bold at times and more just out there, sometimes I feel I wanna be somewhat famous, for everybody to know who I am, must be a crab thing. I wanna do a bit of everything, I;m 24 and yet i still dunno know what I want in life. I wanna hang out with the "cool" gang, be someone "cool", I know it's not like me to mention this, I keep telling everyone it dosen't matter not to be cool, Cool is being yourself. I am myself, but I still feel like an outcast. Maybe its the way I portray myself, I am fat and ugly and am not cool. Pathetic innit, oh well, I have to start doing something and hope my flesh is as strong as my mind. It's always been weak and now I hope it can be strong.

Thing is I always want to try, but I am afriad to go further then think it. Like I have a project in my mind, I type it out, it looks good then suddenly I find myself thinking it won't work. I tell my friends they say it's a good idea, but that's it and that's a full stop for me too. I have to be pushed and there;s noone there to do it. The only way i push myself to finish something it put off something till the very last minute where I hacve no choice but to finish it. *Sigh* OH well tat's my life. and I hope there will be some changes soon.