Psyched Out!

Referring to Sal's comment left on my previous entry, Miami Ink 2 is out did u know? I watched it just hahah they;re all put on weight hahah. I like Chris Garvers, height and laid backness, I like Ami's smile and care freeness, I liek Yogi's Determination and foucs, I like Nunez anything goes attitude and his eyes lol, and I like Teddy's cuteness and graphic drawings and i Love Kates incredible emotions graphic people tattoos. She's freaking awesome man.

Dont knwo what to do, sitting on the fence, to jump or not to jump. Choices, is there such a thing? Its a delusion not an illusion. It what we want tat make us resolve to choices, but if u dont to something u love, what are u living for. Every person has a goal, whether to pay their bills or to see further than that into the future, a person has a goal. To ahcieve that goal we make choices, if they are bad, we still have a choice whether to stick to it or not. If they are good, again u still have a choice, whether u are contended or u want better. I am at a point where i;m torn in between reality and surreality. I know what I want and then I dont know whether what I want is a neccessity for me or issit because I want it because people say I have to have it. I want to say no, leave me alone and let me take my time. but time waits for no one and life is too short. Decisions are based on emotions, if u're emotional abnout a subject dont make decisions, push it aside an look at it later. I tend to react almost immediately and I think it's becoming a very big problem. I can't make a decision a stick on it, I always want better, issit wrong? People look at me and talk to me funny, they think i don;t know it, but I really just dont care. I you think I cannot make it, so be it. If you think u;re way better than me, so be it. I have my life u have yours. Dont make ur life mine and we're good.

SOmetimes I wanna do something so bad, that when i look at it a secon time I think again how am i to do it. I freak out and tat's when my panic starts. I start to think i can;t make it, I start to think, I am not good enough. Truth of the matter is I am afraid, afriad to face new challenges and afraid to meet new and higher positioned people. I;m afraid they will look down on me, even reject me which makes me feel not worth it. I am here for a purpose but I don;t know what the purspoe is. All i know that every decision u make or take, every choice u make or break, has a reason and even if that reason sounds as ridiculous as its sounding now, it is a reason. You would not know how i feel, neither would i know how u do. If you don;t want it, there should be a reason why. Coz i dont liek it, why? Coz its not my kind of thing, why cant u try? What is the use of trying something that u dont like, its like painting realism when u can only do abstract. I want to do my thing, let me venture, gimme space, protect me, but dont overprotect, i know you mean well, but it dosent sound right. You ift me up, and then you bring me down again. You keeping aksing me what I want to do, and if i told you, you wouldnt understand why..and so I say i dont know. But then again i still can;t find my calling? I;m 24 and am very un settled. I know what I want in the future but the gaps are not filling in the present. I am achieveing my goals because i wanted too, but now it all seems like a waste of time and money, or is it?

Everything has a meaning and a purpose why we do the things we do, so I hope I know what i;m doing. I htink i;m suffering from some from of very muild depression, and decision making difficulties, and stress plays a major part of decision-making difficulties. I am esaily stressed and I can easily get out of stress. My mood swings are getting slighty better, but if the I get stimulated by something that I dont like I go make to being square one. Its not fair really, people really should mind their own business. I know u care, but you have no idea how psychologically depressing it is to hear, that you cannot make it, they only looking for poeple of a certain kind and go do something about yourself. I have a degree that you wanted me to get, I;ve been good and yet you;re still not satisfied. What more do u want of me? I was watching Coahc carter the other day, and he kept asking one of the players What is your biggest fear?

I asked myself the same question. What is my biggest fear. Its not easy to come to terms with what you fear, its not fear liek ghosts or insects or drowning. Its fear that are mentally disturbing, to know that you fear someone and mine i think for now, is the higher authority. I fear of higher positioned people and fer they may look down on me, when in reality is that they dont. I tend to rebel against ppl who waht the best for me and become angry when given advise. I know that I am supposed to do wht they say because its good, but instead I do the opposite way, just to make them more angry. Its strange but its true and why this is so i dunno. Could have been somthing that happened in my past hat has somehow affected me in a way i can't comeprehend. Now you know a little more about me, actually a whole lot more. Well till the next entry! Peace !

Runt part 1

Procastination at its finest, those were the exact words used when I told a friend of mine that I had 3 assignments of 1500 words wach due next week. What makes us more like me do that? It sucks really, knowing that you only have a few more days left and haven't done anything. Now that I'm not working I should have finished least one by now, but no!

Distractions that comes from within. I think too much? Not lately, till now. When I think I write, haha. So games are the biggest form of my ditraction, I have an online game that I had subsribed too for about 2 years now, it's awesome, its like i;ve known these people in there for 2 years so we kinda get along. I play this game now like wen I get up say bout 1ish till about 4ish in the morning. It's addictive why? Not just pbecoz of the puzzles, but becauise i meet people get to talkwell type and u know have fun. It's just then i realized that like a Sim we need to interact socially or be all sulky and mood out. My bro's gone to the army andmy friends are kinda busy. I have so many types of friends, those who wanna go clubbing, those who wanna watch movies, those who wanna go have coffee and those whom just wanna chill and talk well basically have coffee haha. So being me, I would more liekly have coffee first then movies and clubbing is like a mood thing and also a budget thing.
That and also working and meeting people and actually making new friends, I found out many things about myself that I wasnt say about 5 years ago. I used to think i;m anti-social, but actually i;m very social but of course to the ones that i can be social with. I have friends who think that I should meet their friends, whom somtimes can be a bitchy or proud but my friends think that becoz they can get alng with them I can get along too, which sounds really stupid, because its up to the individual and sometimes they ask me wy and how come I dont like her/him, i;m like i just don't. period. and they go liek oh she/h's not too bad. I just ignore it. somtimes theypull this confused black face. I just ignore it haha. REcently some of my firendssay that i;m more like a guy's girl more than a girly girl. Which i found interesting, coz that coming from two guy's who said tat makes it rite haha. I dunno I like the way I am, being all girly isnt fun. Well growing up in a rough family well more like so many boys innit made me all tuff hehe I guess its a good thing in a way. funny though mst of my friends are girls but they're all the sam, not girly girl cept a few of them i errmm try not to get too close too hahah. Coz all they would end up tlking about is boys boys and shopping and boys and in the end themselvs. Like get a life. I like boys but i do not talk about them everytime we meet! sheesh! What else, I am more calmer these days and am wanting to look good. Sounds bad? not really haha. I used to think what the hell who;s gonna look, i still do though for the certain places i go out too hehe.

Words of wisdom, You can do it. No matter how hard it is, no matter how wierd it sounds you can do it. "you can do it, I know u can" those were the words my mentor told me when i was going doign a tuff research thesis paper for my degree, and guess what i did. And till this day, I am able to tell myself that and get through with the most difficult times of my life. SO I would liek to thank Him. tony See. for being there, being such an excellent motivator and not giving up on me. It has really played such a huge impact, coz no one really put that much faith into me till he came along and unleashed my potential, sounds corny yes, but its true. I've never felt more special. That was a good tme and now i;m back to square one lol. Well that;s life rite?

You're special, but you dont know it. It made me think why tell a person you love them u miss them, and u wished u got to know them better wen they're dead than wen they're alive. Its the wiedest thing in out human nature but its happening everywhere. I watch Miami Ink, and this girl who didnt talk to her dad for 3 years, the dad passed away 4 motnhs ago and she only spoke and got to know him better for the last dying month of his. And then now VT shootings and everyones mourinign the deahs. What could have been prevented and why do everyone treat everyone differently? Sensitivity, trash talk, emotions get control of them. Had a bad family environment, get control of them. You dont have to have a gun to look cool, you dont have to smoke, drink or get into fites to look cool or be cool even. Be you, for what you're worth and everyone will like you. You dont ave to wear tons of make-up to look pretty, you dont have to starve to be beatiful. Take control of your life and dont be like others. Follow your heart and not your eyes. What you see it not what you should be. Well at least I think so..well enuff of my rantin. More to follow soon..now to get back to my assignemts,