falling over

This feeling, wierd..
I can't eat, not even cake!!
I'm liking someone...but he dosen't know
He makes me laugh, but he makes everyone else laugh too
He talks in a nice and sacarstic manner, but does tat to all too
bahh!!

He's got an awesome voice, and is very talented...
Haiz....

I;m not slim, and not pretty why would he like me rite...
It's too wierd!! I keep thinking about him wen i go home...evry nite...wen will this feeling stop!!

2008 - Child's Play

A new beginning of the end

Been awhile!!! So i;ve started working, kinda like this place, to my surprise it's been 6mths and i;m still in it lol. So wat's been up, nothing really. Spent xmas at home, my aunts from Canada and Oz came down, was fun whil it lasted. Spent new year's alone... boring but not like there was anything much to look forward too.

It's Jan already and quite a few marriages to look forward, one my cuzzie and 2 of me friends. Bleh!! Can't believe i;m like 25 already yikes! I havent done so many things!!! Oh well.... life goes on still right?

My frustrations are so built up
That it comes to a point of no return
It overwhelms me and eats me alive
Till there's left only one big hole
With nothing to gain and noone to blame
It's just totally psyched out how I still withstand it
Tears rolling down the side of face
With only music as my sound escape
Reality bites and dreams are lost
As you slowly feel no remorse
The things I hear and things I speak
Are different from what you may seek
I rant I chant I pray I sulk
but it's only cause I care
It's like learned helplessness
You want to but U won't
You can but you don;t
Someone pick me up and say snap out of it
And get me insync with who I am and what I am doing
I laugh I joke I just might be a clown
Funny on the outside but angry on the in
I somehow feel contended though
Its a wierd feeling of satisfaction
It's like you know you've got things to do but yet
you feel it's all falling through
Mixed up feelings come and go
Noone but the mirror to show
The ugly side when things go wrong
But the sweeter side will never be shown
It's funny how these thoughts come
I never wrote it before I typed it
Noone can understand anybody
Trust and people dont mix
Promises and words can't be kept
Listen but dont react
React later but dont outdo it
Keep ur distance from everybody even if you know the person
from outside in
Transparency is the worst thing to see
The tiny world inside you will then be diminished

How it begins

How it begins.

Invisibilty clouding my mind
Like a fog on a freeway
A light shines from within
Like a knife that stabbed through
Eyes widen in surprise
Like a deer caught in the headlight
Hands begin to move
Like a puppeteer tucking the strings
Words begin to flow
Like the tears on the face
Sentences begin to grow
Like a bird building its nest
A paragraph soon emerges
Like a fish out of the water
I;m looking at this and thinking
Its a bit wierd but it somehow makes sense.

Awesome x3

Yatttaaaa!!!! Man I find myself saying this ever so often and yahoo too haha.
Well weeks been alrite till Friday nite!!!
Wow tat was incredible, we had a LASALLE goodbye goodman party! man tat rocked. The crowd I expected really to be more, i mean come on man Alumni. but it was great you know, meeting all the classmates (been a really really long time, and they all look great) met some senior juniors, a real nice get together overall you know.

I went to watch Transformers after the party!!1
Holy hell, tat was the shit man...I really have no words to describe it.
It was incredible, awesome, I would give it 10 emmys awardsx for wateevr category man. It was just whoo!!! Adrenaline pumping, Michael Bay is one hell of a director, god bles him. Of course being be, I went to watch it again today hahah. And u know wat makes a good movie? You go watch it the second time, and the feeling of watching the first one is still there. Just pure picture perfection! I was so psyched by the soundtrack of the movie, I bought the album hahaha. And it was worth it!! and now i;m obessesd on finiding the ring tone for me phone blah!

Just the other day we had a couselling session part of the exam yea. I found out that, I get mostly irritated and agitated and frustrated and angry easily at home then anywhere else. Like for example, now, I;m blogging and suddenly my idiotic dad calls me and tells me to get something from below, and i;m angry. And earlier wen i was watching tv, and my aunt said something about something and my frustration just shot up. I ahve no idea why, just is. But if a friend calls me or anything i;m fine with it. Anger problems? I think it starts with family. Till the next!

Popular, I wanna be Popular

A new job, a new day. Life is looking up, dreams can start being realised. I feel good, but sometimes having the feeling of good can be bad, and what u have in front of you will be bad. So i;m trying not to be too excited and am trying not to keep my hopes to high up. I mean come on I;m wokring in Sinda, all indians, not that i;m against them or anything, hey I'm indian, It's just tat it's Sinda for crying out loud. I took it because seriously, i needed a job lol, its good pay and it's contract for one year. So hey why not, take a job for one year, then after hopefully a better job comes along and i shall go for tat yea. Hehe.

I'm starting to have ideas and plans, that I'm afraid I can'[t acheieve or can't reach. I know brooding about it ain't helping unless I do something about it. But everytime I wanna start doing that something or that urge to know tat if I did that I know it would work, but there's always the emotion of fear that stops me from doing the things I wanna do. What if it dosent work out, What if this What if tat. I keep analysing the what if's and suddenly find that the project is not worth doing. It's called putting myself down and it really sux, I wish I was more bold at times and more just out there, sometimes I feel I wanna be somewhat famous, for everybody to know who I am, must be a crab thing. I wanna do a bit of everything, I;m 24 and yet i still dunno know what I want in life. I wanna hang out with the "cool" gang, be someone "cool", I know it's not like me to mention this, I keep telling everyone it dosen't matter not to be cool, Cool is being yourself. I am myself, but I still feel like an outcast. Maybe its the way I portray myself, I am fat and ugly and am not cool. Pathetic innit, oh well, I have to start doing something and hope my flesh is as strong as my mind. It's always been weak and now I hope it can be strong.

Thing is I always want to try, but I am afriad to go further then think it. Like I have a project in my mind, I type it out, it looks good then suddenly I find myself thinking it won't work. I tell my friends they say it's a good idea, but that's it and that's a full stop for me too. I have to be pushed and there;s noone there to do it. The only way i push myself to finish something it put off something till the very last minute where I hacve no choice but to finish it. *Sigh* OH well tat's my life. and I hope there will be some changes soon.

Grrrrr

Life's Temporary. Like New years' Resolution...
So live it while u're still breathing
Dont take anything to heart and stress yourself out, unfortunately we're human
and human's think too much, well at least i do, every givene sec
My mind race thoughts, whether in a bus, cab or even now, while typing this, I;m thinking something else. People think too much of themselves today, becoz of him becoz of her, my life is like, they dont realise the ordeal they put their families or friends surrounding them through. But it's my life, yes once your parents are dead and u're the only one left then it becomes ur life. But life's short, so live happy, dont be down, dont be put down, dont even have the thought of wanting to die for another somebody, coz it kills many others around u mentally. I wanna leave this place, I'm so pissed at him, he didnt even tell me, how could he, he knew most about it. Its just a freaking game, deal with it and move on. Dont take it seriously, coz if you do. no one;s gonna liek u...

Psyched Out!

Referring to Sal's comment left on my previous entry, Miami Ink 2 is out did u know? I watched it just hahah they;re all put on weight hahah. I like Chris Garvers, height and laid backness, I like Ami's smile and care freeness, I liek Yogi's Determination and foucs, I like Nunez anything goes attitude and his eyes lol, and I like Teddy's cuteness and graphic drawings and i Love Kates incredible emotions graphic people tattoos. She's freaking awesome man.

Dont knwo what to do, sitting on the fence, to jump or not to jump. Choices, is there such a thing? Its a delusion not an illusion. It what we want tat make us resolve to choices, but if u dont to something u love, what are u living for. Every person has a goal, whether to pay their bills or to see further than that into the future, a person has a goal. To ahcieve that goal we make choices, if they are bad, we still have a choice whether to stick to it or not. If they are good, again u still have a choice, whether u are contended or u want better. I am at a point where i;m torn in between reality and surreality. I know what I want and then I dont know whether what I want is a neccessity for me or issit because I want it because people say I have to have it. I want to say no, leave me alone and let me take my time. but time waits for no one and life is too short. Decisions are based on emotions, if u're emotional abnout a subject dont make decisions, push it aside an look at it later. I tend to react almost immediately and I think it's becoming a very big problem. I can't make a decision a stick on it, I always want better, issit wrong? People look at me and talk to me funny, they think i don;t know it, but I really just dont care. I you think I cannot make it, so be it. If you think u;re way better than me, so be it. I have my life u have yours. Dont make ur life mine and we're good.

SOmetimes I wanna do something so bad, that when i look at it a secon time I think again how am i to do it. I freak out and tat's when my panic starts. I start to think i can;t make it, I start to think, I am not good enough. Truth of the matter is I am afraid, afriad to face new challenges and afraid to meet new and higher positioned people. I;m afraid they will look down on me, even reject me which makes me feel not worth it. I am here for a purpose but I don;t know what the purspoe is. All i know that every decision u make or take, every choice u make or break, has a reason and even if that reason sounds as ridiculous as its sounding now, it is a reason. You would not know how i feel, neither would i know how u do. If you don;t want it, there should be a reason why. Coz i dont liek it, why? Coz its not my kind of thing, why cant u try? What is the use of trying something that u dont like, its like painting realism when u can only do abstract. I want to do my thing, let me venture, gimme space, protect me, but dont overprotect, i know you mean well, but it dosent sound right. You ift me up, and then you bring me down again. You keeping aksing me what I want to do, and if i told you, you wouldnt understand why..and so I say i dont know. But then again i still can;t find my calling? I;m 24 and am very un settled. I know what I want in the future but the gaps are not filling in the present. I am achieveing my goals because i wanted too, but now it all seems like a waste of time and money, or is it?

Everything has a meaning and a purpose why we do the things we do, so I hope I know what i;m doing. I htink i;m suffering from some from of very muild depression, and decision making difficulties, and stress plays a major part of decision-making difficulties. I am esaily stressed and I can easily get out of stress. My mood swings are getting slighty better, but if the I get stimulated by something that I dont like I go make to being square one. Its not fair really, people really should mind their own business. I know u care, but you have no idea how psychologically depressing it is to hear, that you cannot make it, they only looking for poeple of a certain kind and go do something about yourself. I have a degree that you wanted me to get, I;ve been good and yet you;re still not satisfied. What more do u want of me? I was watching Coahc carter the other day, and he kept asking one of the players What is your biggest fear?

I asked myself the same question. What is my biggest fear. Its not easy to come to terms with what you fear, its not fear liek ghosts or insects or drowning. Its fear that are mentally disturbing, to know that you fear someone and mine i think for now, is the higher authority. I fear of higher positioned people and fer they may look down on me, when in reality is that they dont. I tend to rebel against ppl who waht the best for me and become angry when given advise. I know that I am supposed to do wht they say because its good, but instead I do the opposite way, just to make them more angry. Its strange but its true and why this is so i dunno. Could have been somthing that happened in my past hat has somehow affected me in a way i can't comeprehend. Now you know a little more about me, actually a whole lot more. Well till the next entry! Peace !